Bittersweet

My brother's bar mitzvah is today. Bittersweet. I wonder if he knows that. I wonder if he realizes how the rest of the family may be feeling. That our joy is blunted, tempered, inchoate. That though we may strain, we can never escape. I cant speak for them, but they haven't forgotten. I know because I've tried. And sometimes it works, and I can go on like anyone else. I'm not special, I'm just like everyone else. And I can forget that time when everyone else who I was no different from, looked at me, singularly. They didn't buy it, they wouldn't.
So tonight when you see me dancing, hugging, smiling, don't be fooled. It's still there. And if you look closely. If you're the type that can make that distinction. Between tears of joy, and those of sadness. You may just notice. Something. Someone. Missing.